just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
