Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
