DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
