Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
