how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
