how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize