Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
