the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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