she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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