If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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