Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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