I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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