just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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