It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
FUCK WHALES
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
