i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Randomize
