I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
