I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just want nice things and good sex
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
