i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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