Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
