Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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