I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
