he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
