I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
