She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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