I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
