Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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