I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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