We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Shame is for Republicans.
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