things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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