what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
