Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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