Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hippo gnu deer
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
