So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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