The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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