How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
