Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
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I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.