I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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