Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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