The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
