my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this boner is exhausting
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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