you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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