there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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