Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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