she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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