dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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