It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
