So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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