I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
