I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
