i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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