Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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