Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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