can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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