My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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