whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
