omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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