Where did you get a picture of my penis
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Four minutes until I can fart!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
