can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
