She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
